- AMC: So who did we kill off in the Walking Dead Season 6 Finale? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both watch the Season 7 premiere, and find out who is right and who is dead.
- US: But it’s so simple. All we have to do is divine from what we know of you. Are you the sort of network who would kill off a totally beloved character or not? Now, a clever man would kill Daryl, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given in the comics. We are not great fools, so we can clearly not choose the Daryl, the man in front of you. But you must have known we were not great fools; you would have counted on it, so we can clearly not choose Glenn in front of you.
- AMC: You’ve made your decision then?
- US: Not remotely. Because AMC headquarters are in New York City, as everyone knows. And the New York City is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by us. So we can clearly not choose Daryl in front of you.
- AMC: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
- US: Wait ’til we get going! Where were we?
- AMC: New York City.
- US: Yes — New York City, and you must have suspected we would have known the network’s origin, so we can clearly not choose the character in front of us.
- AMC: [beginning nervousness] You’re just stalling now.
- US: You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you? You’ve beaten our giant Tyreese, which means you’re exceptionally strong. So, you could have killed Daryl, trusting on your strength to save you from an irate fan base. So we can clearly not choose Daryl, the guy in front of you. But, you’ve also bested Hershel which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the controversy as far from yourself as possible, so we can clearly not choose Abraham, the man in front of us.
- AMC: [nervously] You’re trying to trick us into giving away something — it won’t work —
- US: [triumphant] It has worked — you’ve given everything away — We know who died in the season finale!
- AMC: [fool’s courage] Then make your choice.
- US: We will. And we choose [stops suddenly and points at something behind the AMC] what in the world can that be?
- AMC: [Turns, looks] What? Where? I don’t see anything.
We quickly switch our opinions while AMC has its back turned.
- US: Oh, well, We-we could have sworn we saw something. No matter.
AMC turns to face us, the fan base again. We start to laugh.
- AMC: What’s so funny?
- US: We’ll tell you in a minute. First, let’s watch the Season 7 season premiere….
- (7 months pass)
- AMC You guessed wrong.
- US: [roaring with laughter] You only think I guessed wrong… [louder now] …that’s what’s so funny! We switched shows when your back was turned. We’ve given up on The Walking Dead and are watching iZombie on the CW! Ha-ha, you fool!
AMC sits silently.
- US: You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is “Never get involved in a land war in Asia.” But only slightly less well known is this: “Never end a season finale with an ambiguous death when you’ve already pulled that trick two times earlier in the season! Ahahahaha, ahahahaha, ahahaha–
- thud *